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| Even though it's not quite Spring, it would seem that love is in the air all around me. I think cupid keeps putting retarded arrows in his bow when he points it at my shapeless ass, since everytime I turn around there's a new and improved weirdo pining for me.
I mean, I'm not one to talk. I've done my share of socially awkward things, probably estranged quite a few potential friends just by general social retardation, but I like to think I've progressed some in the past year as far as socialization goes. Of course, I really haven't tried to make any new friends, much less love interests for quite some time now, so there's probably not much of a gage.
Thing is, I'm happy being single. I mean, don't get me wrong, if Miss Right came along and started snooping around my territory, I'm not going to show her my ass-end, but I'm certainly not actively looking for anything like that outside of a "hey man, set me up with her," as I know it won't happen and even if it did I wouldn't need to worry about making it work, since at this point there's really no room in my life for any sort of relationship. Why? Is it because I'm so busy with school? Probably not, that's a breeze. Am I too busy with work? I work one weekend a month.
I guess more or less I'm just annoyed that every single person I know is in a relationship and I was too much of a fucked up individual to get one when I wanted one, and now I'm too apathetic to pursue much of any lead because I'm sure they'll lead to an eventual disappointment. I guess I'll file all that away for a therapist in 20 years. I don't mind seeing happy couples, or even hanging out with them. It seems that all my really good friends are getting settled into disturbingly serious relationships for 21 year olds, and I'm sort of left to hang out by myself unless they aren't occupied with their significant other. Is it just a geographical thing or are times changing? I really didn't think that 21 was the age to start thinking about kids and marriage and a house with a white picket fence, but I guess I'm the only one.
God, that was all poorly written, but there's a lot(relative) of text up there and I'm sure as shit not going to edit it, so someone else can do it if they really care that much.
Today was a beautiful day, though I didn't do much outside with it. I cleaned my room to the point of being almost spotless. All my laundry is folded or hanging up, my papers are organized, my floor is bare and vacuumed, and there's no smell except for the candle I have burning. I probably should've done all that on one of those shitty days we had last week and used this one to... well, do something else.
This weekend is supposed to be fun, I guess. There's going to be a party at the bar in Sheldon, which is a town of about 6 people, but it's all old friends and people from my hometown. Fuck my hometown, by the by. I'll probably be forced to sport some real trendy Ms on my hands, since I'm still 3 weeks away from 21 myself, but I bet watching everyone else get trashed will be just as fun.
I'm thinking of volunteering to go to Iraq or the border or somewhere for a tour, even if it's only 3 months. I can't stand just sitting around the house waiting for life to happen to me, so I may as well do something productive while I wait. Maybe I can even have my picture in one of those "Fuck the Troops" facebook groups.
I'm just babbling now, just like everytime I type something up that sounds like a literary masterpiece in my head. Somehow it gets lost when I transfer it to paper a couple hours later. Or maybe it's because I only think of topic sentences for the paragraphs, forget half of them and flesh the rest out with pure crap. If you've read all this... well, congratulations, I really didn't expect anyone to get this far.
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| I'm not afraid to fall asleep.
I just don't want to close my eyes.
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| Shut up, the music isn't gay.
Turns out, love is a drug. When you're with that special someone or you think of them, your brain releases dopamine and you feel a sort of high. Which just makes the quote I've been prancing around with for the past two years all the more applicable. Anyway, I guess if you don't take that first hit you don't get addicted, but with a bit of time you can get the need for the endorphins out of your system and you'll be good to go.
So yeah, it's entirely too late for me to be awake and I'm not ready for sleep.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit ROTC, since I pretty much can't stand it. Which will free up a lot of time since I won't need to do PT with them. Of course, I'll need a job for a couple days a week, but then I can drink on random nights, be up past 10, and enjoy college instead of hating every single fucking minute of it. I just have to think of a way to explain that to my company commander at drill. Shit, I wish I'd told him last weekend.
"Realize that falling in love
with someone is just the results of a series of generic events that can
occur between you and basically anyone who meets your standards of
attractiveness. It's just an emotional manifestation of a handfull of
chemicals bouncing back and forth. It's not the holy grail of living,
it's not your reason to exist and it's definitely not something
reserved for "that one person". Accept that you are just an animal with
a big brain that allows him to fret over what only amounts to a game of
hormone pool. What you're feeling is not your soul dying a gurgling,
ugly death, but withdrawal. All the happy chemicals that saturated your
body when you were with her are kicking out cold turkey, and your body
is screaming bloody murder, where are my fucking endorphins? It's just
chocolate. Find a new bar."
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| I just realized Valentine's Day is coming up. I really hate Valentine's Day, regardless of relationship status.
I mean what says I love you like one day a year wasting money on shit that you have to buy for some significant others. Or better yet, what says "haha, you're alone" like another random day that you can't go out to a restaurant or enjoy the company of your friends because they're all out playing the role of "nookie-getter." Whoop-de-fucking-do.
Oh well, at least I don't have to buy anything this year.
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| I have way too much energy. I can't even think straight long enough to write a sardonic paragraph or two about the state of my world.
So I'm just throwing on Joe Purdy, laying down and trying to figure out what the hell made me want to open xanga ever again :D
"
River girl, she took me in.
And I became her new best friend.
She would laugh,
As she filled my glass with wine.
She said, well hold on boy,
Cause we can't stay long.
It's bittersweet,
This river song,
So toast to you,
And I hope your journey's kind.
Singing, goodbye river,
I'll see you next time."
Julie Blue
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